Filed under: End-of-Life Issues, Religious Traditions | Tags: end-of-life, religion
Yesterday, I attended a forum with religious leaders from different faiths discussing end-of-life issues, held by the Albuquerque branch of Compassion and Choices. The panelists included the Rev. George Reynolds of the Aquinas Newman Center; Rabbi Min Kantrowitz of Jewish Family Services; Rev. Steven Tvedt of Solamor Hospice, and the Rev. Jan Hosea from St. Chad’s Episcopal Church. The moderator was Samuel Roll, PhD.
Here are some comments from the panelists that I’d like to share with you.
From Rev. Jan Hosea:
We need to see the cup as half full, not half empty, and be living to live, not living to die. People dread getting to the threshold, but not crossing it. Pain is a part of life and death, and it can be difficult – that can’t be overlooked or minimized. People want understanding when they’re hurting.
Bad things happen to good people. We can’t always fix things, but we can be there, present, for others. Caregiving to the caregiver helps the dying person who’s worried about their surviving loved one.
Advance directives allow you to parse out your power as an individual for some control at end-of-life. So many people don’t want to talk about funeral plans, but the time to talk about them is around the coffee table, not the hospital bed
Weddings and funerals bring out the worst in people. Working ahead we can keep the unwanted from coming out at these times. Funerals are for the living and holding that family unit together.
Rabbi Min Kantrowitz:
The Talmud teaches you want to repent the day before you die. As we never know when that day will be, we want to have real, 100% conversations with our loved ones. Choose life, and accept death as a part of the natural process.
Death is supposed to be “as calm as drawing out a hair from a glass of milk.” While to save a life is to save a whole world, it is okay to remove impediments to death and allow it to happen.
Rev. Steven Tvedt:
Death is something we don’t do very well – we only do it once. We as a society set it aside in a corner and mask it as much as we can. God determines the boundaries of life, and I believe in a divine healing. Yet, everyone in the Bible dies, including Lazarus who was raised from the dead. Without advance directives, oughts and shoulds get confused.
I run into people who say “I’m spiritual but not religious” more in New Mexico than anywhere else.
Rev. George Reynolds:
It’s not about the dying, but the planting. If you can’t have a good time at a funeral, why go? We as a society don’t use the word death – you pass, like “passing gas.” Those who have a strong faith have better strength to handle death.
There can be death with dignity with no special intervention. The idea of keeping people alive just to keep them alive is cruel.
Some interested thoughts to ponder! I’ll post other thoughts from this event soon.
This post highlights general funeral practices for Unitarian Universalists. The actual practices of individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
Treatment of the body: The body is rarely viewed at the memorial service. Sometimes a visitation is held prior to the service at the funeral home or church. Cremation and embalming are accepted.
Funeral or memorial services: The Unitarian Universalist end-of-life ritual is called a memorial service, whether the body is present or not. The service usually takes place at a funeral home or in a church within one week, but can be held up to a month after death. The scheduling of the service is up to the family. The ceremony may last 30-60 minutes, possibly longer. A minister delivers a sermon and meditation, a eulogist, chosen by the family, delivers a eulogy of the deceased, and a music director and organist/pianist provide music. The service may include affirmations, meditation, poetry, music, the eulogy, and a benediction. A program indicating the order of the ceremony is distributed to attendees or displayed near the front of the room. The hymnal, Singing the Living Tradition, may be used.
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book. Sit wherever you like, except for the first two or three rows, usually reserved for close family of the deceased. If arriving late, enter and take a seat quietly. In the rare case of an open casket, guests are not expected or obligated to view the body. If you choose to view the body, walk slowly with reverence past the casket. It is not appropriate to take pictures or record video of the ceremony, but audio may be recorded with prior approval of the family. Guests are expected to stand with congregants when they rise for songs or prayer and have the option to read prayers aloud and sing with those present, unless this violates their own religious beliefs.
Interment: It is optional for guests to attend interment. At graveside, prayers are recited, led by the minister, and the body is committed to the ground.
Post-Event Reception: The family may have visitors at home or a restaurant. Food is served, and possibly alcohol. No religious services are held in the home.
Gifts: Upon learning about the death, telephone or visit the bereaved to offer condolences and share your memories of the deceased. It is appropriate to send flowers to the home before the memorial service. Also, memorial contributions may be made to a fund or charity designated by the family of the deceased. Food may be sent to the bereaved at home, either upon hearing of the death or after the memorial service.
Mourning period: The length of time the bereaved stays away from work or socializing is left to the discretion of the mourner. He or she may resume their usual schedule after a few days or a few weeks.
Mourning customs: There are no specific Unitarian Universalist mourning customs or rituals for observing the anniversary of the death.
Notes: Many Unitarian Universalists will choose cremation or a “green burial” with no embalming chemicals and a simple casket that allows remains to return to the earth.
For more details on this religion’s history, beliefs, and funeral practices, you may wish to consult this excellent resource: The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
A recent post by Judith Acosta, LISW, CHT on the Huffington Post provides valuable insights on how to talk to children about death. Quoting from her article:
There are few words that can silence a group of people faster than the word “death.” It is the last great American Taboo. This is an interesting American quirk. We will sit at a table full of people from all walks of life, of all ages and talk about our sex lives, our addiction histories, our dysfunctional families, even disclose our Botox regimens. We talk about things that take us way past the “need-to-know” line.
Yet, we hide our ill and dying in hospitals and hospices. What’s particularly interesting about it to me is that our societal norms have been switched. We once tended to our dying plainly and openly in our parlors and bedrooms — but sex, family and finances were all highly private matters. And what went on between us and our doctors stayed there. Now, we will talk about absolutely anything except the inevitability of loss and the one thing that affects absolutely everyone.
In a world where the pursuit of happiness is the Absolute Value, suffering, loss and grief are anomalies. In some circles, they are even considered a defect of character. I once heard a patient tell her child who had just lost his grandfather, “We just accept it and move on, dear. Tomorrow will be better.” I could see she meant well, but it was clear her child was neither accepting it nor moving on. He was suffering and confused. Our children have not been untouched by this polar reversal in values.
She goes on to talk about how to talk to children when a loved one is dying, as detailed in her book, Verbal First Aid. Click here to read the entire post.
This post highlights general funeral practices for Roman Catholics. The actual practices of individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
There are more than 61 million Roman Catholics in the United States, encompassing many different ethnic traditions.
Funerals usually take place within two to three days, possibly up to one week after the death. The first day after a death is usually reserved for the family to make arrangements for the funeral. The second day is often reserved for a wake or visitation, which is commonly held at a funeral home and may possibly last two days.
The body is usually viewed at the visitation event, and possibly at the funeral. The wake provides an opportunity for the community to gather, pray, express their sympathies, and pay their respects. The style of the wake varies depending on the ethnicity of the deceased and his or her family. (See this post about traditional Irish wakes for a detailed description.)
Regarding cremation, the Catholic Church does allow the celebration of the Funeral Liturgy in the presence of cremated remains, but strongly prefers that the body of the deceased be present for its funeral rites and cremation to take place afterward. The cremated remains are due the same respect as the remains of the body, and the Church dictates that cremains must be buried in a cemetery, entombed in a columbarium, or buried at sea.
Roman Catholic funeral rites include a Vigil Service celebrated in the funeral home or the church the day or evening before the funeral, the Funeral Mass in the church, and the Rite of Committal of the body at the cemetery. The Vigil Service includes the recitation of the rosary with a priest and eulogies by family or friends.
The priest conducts the funeral liturgy, which includes a Mass, and the Rites of Burial. The service includes readings from the Bible, singing of hymns, and Holy Communion. Books include a hymnal, the New American Bible and a prayer book, also called a missal.
Guests of other faiths are expected to stand with the congregation. It is optional for others to kneel, read prayers aloud, and sing. Non-Catholics should not receive communion or say any prayers contradictory to the beliefs of their own faith. At graveside, the priest will lead a brief service and commit the body into the ground.
The family may hold a reception after the funeral at home, a restaurant, or other location. Food is served, and possibly alcohol. It is appropriate to send flowers and/or food to the home before or after the funeral or to the funeral home before the funeral. Charitable contributions are not customary unless the family indicates they are appropriate. A mass is held annually on the anniversary of the death.
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book and sit where you like. If arriving late, enter quietly. It is not appropriate to take pictures or record the service (both audio and video). When viewing the body, observe with silent prayer. Express your condolences to the family.
Mourning period: A mourner might return to work and a normal social schedule after a week.
This information is included in A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die by Gail Rubin, author of The Family Plot Blog. The book, which includes funeral traditions for many major faiths, is available in print and ebook formats at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and at AGoodGoodbye.com.
For more details on this religion’s history, beliefs, and funeral practices, you may wish to consult this excellent resource: The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
This post highlights general funeral practices for various Orthodox churches besides Greek Orthodox: Antiochian Orthodox, Carpatho-Russian Orthodox, Romanian Orthodox, Russian Orthodox, Serbian Orthodox and Ukranian Orthodox. The actual practices of individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
Treatment of the body: Embalming is accepted. The body is usually viewed during the funeral. Cremation is frowned upon and is cause for the Church to deny holding an Orthodox funeral. A wake or viewing may be held at the mortuary the night before the funeral, an appropriate time for eulogies by family or friends, and a priest may hold a Trisagion Service.
Funeral or memorial services: The Orthodox funeral ceremony is usually held in the church of the deceased or a funeral home within two to three days of the death. The ceremony can from 30 to 60 minutes, and is usually not part of a larger service. In the American Carpatho-Russian Church, the Eucharistic liturgy is often celebrated in addition to the funeral service at the discretion of the family, a ceremony of up to 90 minutes. The officiants include a bishop, the chief celebrant, a priest, who may be the chief celebrant or the assistant to the bishop, and the deacon, sub-deacon and altar server, all of whom assist the bishop or priest. In most Orthodox churches, only officiating bishops and priests use a text at a funeral ceremony. A program will be distributed indicating the order of the ceremony. A traditional greeting for the family in the Antiochian Orthodox church is “May God give you the strength to bear your loss.”
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book. Ushers will advise where to sit. If arriving late, enter quietly. It is not appropriate to take pictures or record the service (both audio and video). Stand when the congregation stands up. Kneel only if it does not violate a visitor’s own religious beliefs. Pay your respects to the bereaved family. When viewing the body, which is optional, approach and pause briefly in front of the casket. A Christian might also cross himself or herself and kiss the cross or icon resting on the casket.
Interment: Attending the interment is optional for guests. At graveside, there is a brief prayer ceremony. The officiating priest or bishop usually puts soil on top of the casket formed in the shape of a cross and each person present places one flower on the casket or spreads the soil. The flowers usually come from those sent to the church for the funeral and then conveyed to the cemetery with the casket.
Post-Event Reception: It is appropriate to briefly visit the bereaved at home after the funeral. Religious objects that a visitor may see there are icons – two-dimensional artistic images of saints; a lighted candle; and burning incense. A Meal of Mercy is often given in the church hall, a restaurant, or the home of the deceased shortly after the burial. At the homes of members of the Antiochian Orthodox Church, usually coffee, pastries and/or fruit are served.
Gifts: Upon learning about the death, telephone or visit the family to offer condolences. A traditional greeting to a member of the Antiochian Orthodox Church is “May his [or her] memory be eternal.” Flowers may be sent, or the family may suggest memorial contributions be made in lieu of flowers. It is also appropriate to send food to the home of the bereaved either upon initially hearing about the death or after the funeral.
Mourning period: The bereaved usually stays home from work for one week and may avoid social gatherings for two months. In some cases, widows may avoid social events for a full year.
Mourning customs: Mourners usually avoid social gatherings for the first 40 days after the death and may also wear only black clothing during that time period. A memorial service is held on the Sunday closest to the 40th day after the death. A memorial service is then held annually on the anniversary of the death.
Notes: If there is a Eucharistic liturgy celebrated at a funeral, guests who are not Orthodox do not partake in Holy Communion.
This information is included in A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die by Gail Rubin, author of The Family Plot Blog. The book, which includes funeral traditions for many major faiths, is available in print and ebook formats at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and at AGoodGoodbye.com.
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
This post highlights general funeral practices for the Mormon Church, also known as the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (LDS). The actual practices of Mormon individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
Treatment of the body: The body may be viewed, either at a visitation event at a funeral home and/or during the funeral. Typically the body is buried in all white clothing, signifying purity. If the deceased received blessings in the LDS Temple, he or she would be dressed in the clothing worn on that occasion. Embalming and cremation are accepted.
Funeral or memorial services: Funerals usually take place within one week, although there is no set limit. The timing is the choice of the immediate family and depends on circumstances. The service may be held in a church, a funeral home, or at the graveside, and lasts about 60 to 90 minutes, sometimes longer. The officer of the church, typically the bishop of the congregation, conducts the service, and speakers deliver eulogies. A program indicating the order of the ceremony is usually distributed to attendees. The service includes prayers, hymns, one or more eulogies given by family or friends, and a sermon. The speakers will use Scriptures and the congregation may use hymnals.
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book and sit where you wish. If arriving late, enter quietly. It is not appropriate to take pictures or video record the service, but audio recording may be okay to do if it can be done discreetly. Having an open casket is the choice of the family. When viewing the body, which is optional, observe it with dignity and reverence. Express your condolences to the family at the service.
Interment: Guests should attend unless it is a private interment, which is rare. The grave is dedicated in a prayer offered by a lay priest, who is usually, but not necessarily, a family member related to the deceased. Burial then follows.
Post-Event Reception: It is appropriate to visit the bereaved at home after the funeral. The meal is prepared by the “Relief Society,” the woman’s organization of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. No alcoholic beverages are served. No religious services are held in the home.
Gifts: Upon learning about the death, telephone or visit the bereaved to offer condolences and your assistance, if needed. It is appropriate to send flowers or make a contribution, but not expected. Food for bereaved family members is usually prepared and organized by the woman’s organization of the local congregation.
Mourning period: There is no set time that the mourner stays away from work or social events. The length of absence is at the discretion of the mourner.
Mourning customs: There are no specific LDS mourning customs or rituals for observing the anniversary of the death.
Notes: Because of the LDS belief in life after death, their funerals are more of a celebration of life, a happy occasion where memories of the deceased are shared and family bonds are rekindled.
For more details on this religion’s history, beliefs, and funeral practices, you may wish to consult this excellent resource: The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
This post highlights general funeral practices for the Methodist Church. The actual practices of Methodist individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
You can read about two examples of Methodist memorial services from the 2010 30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge: Katherine Spates Buell and Herb Bischoff.
There are about twenty-three separate Methodist denominations in the United States, with approximately 8.5 million adherents.
A pastor officiates the funeral service, which may include hymns, a homily, and a eulogy by a close friend or family member. A program will indicate the order of the ceremony. Readings may come from a variety of sources.
Guests should attend interment. The pastor recites prayers at the graveside and the body is committed to the earth. If the body has been cremated before the service, the cremains are buried, or put in a vault, or committed to the sea. Military or fraternal rites may be part of the graveside service.
Treatment of the body: The body may be viewed, either at a visitation event at the funeral home and/or during the funeral. Embalming and cremation are accepted.
Funeral or memorial services: Funerals usually take place within two to three days. The service may be held in the church of the deceased or a funeral home.
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book. Ushers will advise where to sit. If arriving late, enter quietly. It is not appropriate to take pictures or record the service (both audio and video). When viewing the body, which is optional, observe silently and somberly.
Interment: Guests should attend. The pastor recites prayers at the graveside and the body is committed to the ground. If the body has been cremated before the service, the ashes are either buried or put in a vault.
Post-Event Reception: It is appropriate to visit the bereaved at home after the funeral at a mutually convenient time, staying for about 30 to 45 minutes. Food will probably not be served. No religious services are held in the home.
Gifts: Upon learning about the death, telephone or visit the bereaved. It is appropriate to send flowers or food to the family. Charitable contributions in memory of the deceased are also an option. The preferred charity may be mentioned in the obituary.
Mourning period: How long a mourner stays away from work or socializing is entirely at the discretion of the bereaved.
Mourning customs: There may be a service commemorating the deceased to observe the anniversary of the death.
Notes: Methodist funerals have as their purposes: 1) expressing grief and comforting one another in our bereavement; 2) celebrating the life of the deceased; and 3) affirming faith in life with God after death.
This information is included in A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die by Gail Rubin, author of The Family Plot Blog. The book, which includes funeral traditions for many major faiths, is available in print and ebook formats at Amazon.com, BarnesandNoble.com and at AGoodGoodbye.com.
For more details on this religion’s history, beliefs, and funeral practices, you may wish to consult this excellent resource: The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
Today’s Close To Home cartoon shows a few women gathered around the seance table. A bony hand has busted through the crystal ball, reaching toward one shocked-looking woman. The medium says, “That’s what happens when the wife buys a cheap coffin.”
As undertaker-poet Thomas Lynch has written and said many times, the dead don’t care. They don’t care how their bodies are disposed of – it’s the living to whom these things matter.
For that matter, “keeping up with the Joneses” into the grave is a foolish pursuit. There are better ways to spend one’s inheritance.
FYI, do you know the difference between a coffin and a casket? A coffin is a six-sided box, narrower at the head and feet and wider at the shoulders. A casket is a rectangular box. A coffin is made of wood, usually a soft wood like pine or poplar, which almost always costs less than caskets of metal.
Today’s Close To Home cartoon is a bit twisted. A woman is looking at the offerings in the meat department of the grocery store. She’s appalled to see headstones on the packages: “RIP Ethel the Cow,” “RIP Tony the Bull,” “RIP Al the Steer,” “RIP Bob the Bull,” and off to the right, “Ann the Chicken.”
A worker in the store says, “Oh, geez, sorry about that, ma’am. Some nutty vegetarian has been putting those up to make people feel guilty about eating meat.”
That will do the trick!
This post highlights general funeral practices for the Lutheran Church. The actual practices of Lutheran individuals, families, and congregations may vary.
For two examples of Lutheran memorial services, read these stories from the 30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge for Carol Ann Exley and Gail Shirley.
Treatment of the body: The body may be viewed, either at a visitation event at the funeral home and/or during the funeral. Embalming and cremation are accepted.
Funeral or memorial services: Funerals usually take place within three days. The service may be held in the church of the deceased or a funeral home and last about 30 minutes. A pastor performs the service. Either a program will indicate the order of the ceremony or the pastor will make periodic announcements. The ceremony may include Holy Communion for all Christian attendees. Books used may include the Lutheran Book of Worship, The Lutheran Hymnal, or Lutheran Worship.
Do’s and Don’ts: Sign the guest book. Ushers will advise where to sit. If arriving late, do not enter during the procession or prayers. It is not appropriate to take pictures or record the service (both audio and video). Christians are expected to stand, kneel, read prayers aloud and sing with those present. Non-Christians are expected to stand with the congregation. If choosing not to kneel, remain seated. When viewing the body, which is optional, observe silently and move on. Express your condolences to the family. It is appropriate to visit the bereaved at home after the funeral.
Interment: Guests should attend. The casket is carried to the grave, and the pastor leads a brief service with readings and prayers, including the Lord’s Prayer. The pastor blesses the earth placed on the casket and blesses those gathered at the graveside.
Post-Event Reception: It is appropriate to visit the home of the bereaved after the funeral. If food is served, wait for the saying of grace before eating. It would be impolite not to eat, unless you have dietary restrictions. There may be alcoholic beverages, depending on the family’s custom. No religious services are held in the home.
Gifts: Upon learning about the death, telephone, visit or send a note to the bereaved offering your sympathy and expressing your care and love. It is appropriate to send flowers or food unless the family expresses otherwise. A charitable contribution made in the memory of the deceased is also appropriate. The family will often announce the preferred charity through the funeral home or funeral worship folder.
Mourning period: A mourner might return to work after several days and return to a normal social schedule after several weeks.
Mourning customs: There are no specific Lutheran mourning customs. Some congregations remember the first year anniversary of the death in prayers in church.
Notes: Local social customs govern, but conservative clothing and dark, somber colors are recommended.
For more details on this religion’s history, beliefs, and funeral practices, you may wish to consult this excellent resource: The Perfect Stranger’s Guide to Funerals and Grieving Practices: A Guide to Etiquette in Other People’s Religious Ceremonies
Please post a comment to let me know if you find this information helpful, or if there are specific details you were looking for that this post did not address.
