Filed under: From Death to Funeral, Trends in Death Care | Tags: communications, funerals, hospice, obituaries
Obituaries, a traditional communications vehicle to spread the news about death and funerals, generally fall into two categories: news obituaries and classified obituaries. There is a third type, the display ad obituary, which I’m seeing more of lately.
News obituaries are stories written by journalists about someone who has made some notable contribution to humanity or the local community before they died. A reporter will interview one or more people to prepare the story, and an editor will review the piece. The family generally does not get to see the article before it runs.
Classified obituaries, paid listings placed by the family, are like other classified ads for yard sales or jobs, except they get their own separate section in the newspaper. These can be as long and detailed as the family wishes to make it, although the more you say, the more you pay.
And the newspaper does not edit what is written. If the obit is submitted with typos or incorrect information, it runs as is. Some newspapers allow the addition of a photo with the obit. Yet, they are still the typical narrow columns you see in the classified ads.
And then, rarely, there are display ad obituaries. These can appear anywhere in the newspaper, scattered among the big ads for local merchants’ sales. Display ads typically cost more than classified ads, priced by the column inch. In my local newspaper on Sunday, I saw this display ad obituary:
If you can’t read the text, it says:
Chester Lee “Chet” Barnes, 1916 -2011
We mourn his passing and celebrate his life. He touched all of our lives in so many ways, as father & friend. His integrity, unwavering concern for others and his lifelong commitment to living right was an example for all. With love, memory of his deeds & the strength of his example live on.
I would like to especially thank my loving wife, Sherry and my daughter Shelia and her husband Mark Lee, my sister Ernalee and her husband Robert Widgren; Home Care Assistance’s Courtney Gonzales, Hospice of New Mexico’s Candice, Eileen and Larry for making it possible for my Dad to spend his last months at home where he wanted to be.
Thanks also to all his friends for all their words of support, condolences and to those who were able to attend his memorial service making it a “Celebration of his Life”.
Til we see each other again; love you Dad.
Richard L. Barnes
What a lovely way to preserve and share the memory of a remarkable man. Thank you Richard, for creating a keepsake obituary that conveyed elements of your father’s character and expressed your thanks to the people who supported the family.
I wish I could have covered the celebration of his life. May Chet Barnes’ memory be a blessing.
The life and character of former Maryland Governor and Baltimore mayor William Donald Schaefer was celebrated yesterday with funeral rituals that covered the geography of his youth to the pinnacle of power.
His body lay in state in Annapolis, the capitol of Maryland, and was driven past his boyhood home in Baltimore. The four-term mayor and two-term governor was known for his phrase “Do It NOW.” Perhaps that should be inscribed on his headstone.
Here’s the start of a wonderful Washington Post story about Schaefer’s funeral, by Marc Fisher:
Crowds gather in Baltimore, Annapolis to bid Schaefer farewell
Four hours before William Donald Schaefer was to be driven in a hearse past his boyhood home on his final journey through the city that was his family, a Baltimore municipal trash truck made an extra pass down Edgewood Street to collect the garbage.
A street sweeper spruced up the pavement, the police checked that everything was just so, and two men from City Hall stepped up to Paula Deadwyler’s porch to attach a flagpole and raise Maryland’s colors.
Other city workers brought Deadwyler, who bought 620 Edgewood from Schaefer in 1998, a basket of African violets, instructing her to hold the flowers when the mayor’s coffin passed by because violets were his favorite. On Monday, as throughout the life of the four-term mayor and two-term governor, everbody working for him knew their job was to “Do It NOW.”
That injunction, in the mayor’s urgently scrawling hand, is now inscribed in bronze in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor, where a statue of Schaefer — another stop on Monday’s farewell tour — presides over the city’s premier tourist attraction.
Schaefer, who died April 18 at 89, drew crowds all around his city Monday, not only because he was a master builder in an era when many major U.S. cities were collapsing into physical and social decay, but also because he was a politician who never seemed to stray from the neighborhoods and people he first represented as a city councilman in the 1950s.
“It was still white people up here when my parents moved in,” said Melody Sayre, a bus coach driver who lives a few doors down from the old Schaefer house in a neighborhood that is now almost entirely black. “Schaefer would come by to talk to my mom about the issues, and I looked at him as a role model, a father figure. He was a down-home, good person. He would get on you about not keeping your property up, but you knew he was for the right things. Even now, I tell the youngsters to keep their pants up — they know I expect that, and they respect it.”
Sayre, Deadwyler and 300 of their neighbors crowded onto the narrow sidewalks just after 3 p.m. to watch as a long procession of city and state police vehicles led the honor guard for Schaefer’s hearse. The motorcade halted in front of Deadwyler’s house, the tour’s first stop, and a delegation of the mayor’s friends stepped out to greet people.
“There are no more politicians like him,” said Deadwyler, 51, who admires the way Schaefer and his mother kept up the hardwood floors in the slender four-bedroom rowhouse they passed on to her. “Everybody’s out for their own now. But Schaefer built things — I go down there to the harbor, and I love the water taxi, the duck bus, all that. Makes me proud.”
“Thanks for bringing him home,” Margaret Bracy, 74, called out to Schaefer’s friends and colleagues as they shook hands and traded hugs with her neighbors. Bracy lived one block up from Schaefer, and her two boys delivered the newspaper to his home and cut his grass. “He was honest, and he spoke his mind. A lot of people don’t like for you to be outspoken, but we appreciated it from him because we knew he was honest.”
Filed under: 30 Day Challenge | Tags: 30 Day Challenge, funerals, memorial services, obituaries
In yesterday’s Albuquerque Journal, the Ask Thelma column by Thelma Domenici had a question that went to the heart of my 30 Funerals in 30 Days Challenge.
Dear Thelma:
I was wondering if you know of proper etiquette regarding individuals who attend funeral or memorial services and then blog or YouTube about it without notifying or contacting family members. What do you think about that type of action or behavior?
Answer:
The etiquette here does not rest upon the use of technology, but upon how it is used. Technology is as mannerly as its users make it.
Publication accurately describes what blogs and YouTube do. Publication of something as intense and emotional as the painful loss of a family’s loved one should be done with care and forethought. Such publication without consulting or informing the family of the person who has died does show a lack of respect and it should be avoided.
I’d like to stress that blogs and YouTube are not to blame. This kind of technology is so easy to use and is an effective way to reach so many very efficiently. The key is to learn to use it with respect and always with the receiver of the message in mind.
Warm-hearted technology and good manners never go out of style.
I know Thelma and checked with her that it would be okay to post this Q&A. I had a feeling that the author was referring to me and the 30 funerals I attended and blogged about with YouTube videos during November, 2010. The funerals attended were all advertised in the newspaper’s paid obituary section, making them public events.
Many people found the posts by searching for obituaries of the folks whose services I had written about. Almost all the feedback on these posts was positive. Families thanked me for the additional unexpected tribute to their loved ones.
Out of all those memorial events, there was one woman who asked me to remove the post about her mother’s quite lovely and moving memorial service. I apologized and removed the post immediately after receiving her request. Could she still be brooding about this six months later?
My intention was to show the many ways people honor their loved ones, and to help people consider how pre-planning can help those who live on to hold a good goodbye ritual. What do you think about the etiquette of blogging about funerals?
Something fun to start your holiday weekend. Just had to share this video of a Honda Civic commercial that features the song “All I Want is You” by my friend Barry Louis Polisar. It’s all about going green (just not green burial).
Safford Productions Inc., a casting and production company, is looking for the next reality TV family for a new show, “The Undertakers.”
This will be a real life comedy/drama that follows the unusual lives of a family of undertakers – think a real life “Six Feet Under.” Do you get the strangest requests from people every day in regard to how they want things before coming to their final resting places? Do you know more than most when it comes to caring for the deceased?
This show is meant to help viewers deal with death and think about what it all means. It’s about life, friends and family, and how everyone addresses issues of life and death differently. The show will be seen through the eyes of a family that deals with the job of burying people, exploring the good, the bad, and the bazaar (as well as the bizarre) at one of the most meaningful times in our lives.
What the production company is looking for:
- Family of four or more that currently own and operate a funeral home in the U.S.
- Must have big personalities
- Must be able to speak on camera
- Must be legal to work in the U.S.
If you or someone you know works in the undertaking business, please have them contact Safford Productions at the email below. Submit a photo, contact information (email, phone), where you currently live, and description of your family and why you want to be on the show.
Phone: (323) 892-0565 or Email: undertakercasting@gmail.com
Good luck, and let me know if you get chosen!
April 16-24, 2011 has been declared “Individual Personal Planning Week” here in New Mexico by Governor Susana Martinez. Are you celebrating National Healthcare Decisions Day tomorrow? Now’s the time to get those end-of-life affairs in order – advance directives, heathcare power of attorney designations, wills, etc.
Planning for future healthcare or personal decisions can be a significant community service for our friends and families. Unfortunately, some may find themselves in the position of having to make decisions for a loved one without a clear sense of that person’s wishes. Not communicating and documenting one’s wishes can also pose challenges for professionals.
In addition to healthcare matters, planning for personal and financial decisions is important for adults, regardless of age. Many of us neglect making preparations in the event we are unable to make financial and other decisions for ourselves. We may know someone who was in this situation from an unfortunate accident, but we believe this could never happen to us.
Guess what: DEATH AND DISABILITY HAPPEN. DEAL WITH IT.
Free public education on these topics is available throughout New Mexico, as well as resources for documenting your directives and legal information. To learn more about local events, visit www.nmaging.state.nm.us or contact 1-800-432-2080.
The Albuquerque family law firm of Rugge, Rosales & Associates, P.C. will offer personal planning services such as drafting of powers of attorney (medical and general) and advance health care directives on a sliding scale basis during the week of April 16-24, 2011.
“Both traditional and same-sex families often face tough decisions when a loved one is unable to communicate their wishes regarding healthcare decisions and financial matters,” says David Ray Rosales, Managing Partner at Rugge, Rosales & Associates, P.C. “We are pleased to offer these legal services that can provide peace of mind in these situations at an affordable rate.”
To inquire about services during Individual Personal Planning week call (505)243-3900 or e-mail DRosales@Rugge-Rosales.com.
The One Slide Project from Engage With Grace can help you start the conversation with five questions that can help save your life – or end it.
Know the options, and decide what is right for you.
P.S.: Today’s the last day for the “Death and Taxes” 30% discount on A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. Only $15 plus $3 shipping! Visit www.AGoodGoodbye.com to order!
Filed under: Religious Traditions | Tags: Jewish traditions, religion, rituals
The Jewish religion has a ritual for washing and dressing the dead for burial. This ceremony, called a tahara, is conducted by volunteers with the Chevra Kaddisha, which translates to “sacred society.” During the washing part of the ritual, there’s a beautiful Jewish tradition to read poetry from the Song of Songs.
The poems are different for men and women. Both use loving descriptions to evoke images of the human form in the prime of life. These poems are recited as water is poured over the body.
Here is the section of the Song of Songs that is read for a man:
His head is like the most fine gold; his heaps of curls are black as a raven.
His eyes are like doves beside the water-brooks, bathing in milk and fitly set.
His cheeks are like a bed of species, towers of sweet herbs.
His lips are roses dripping flowing myrrh.
His arms are golden cylinders set with beryl, his body is as polished ivory overlaid with sapphires.
His legs are pillars of marble set upon foundations of fine gold, his appearance is like Lebanon, as select as the cedars.
His mouth is most sweet and he is altogether precious.
This is my beloved and this is my friend, daughters of Jerusalem.
Here is the section of the Song of Songs that is read for a woman:
How fine you are, my love, your eyes like doves’ behind your veil
Your hair – as black as goats winding down the slopes
Your teeth – a flock of sheep rising from the stream in twos, each with its twin
Your lips – like woven threads of crimson silk
A gleam of pomegranate – your forehead through your veil
Your neck – a tower adorned with shields
Your breasts – twin fawns in fields of flowers
How fine you are, my love, my perfect one.
Robert Brian Burkhardt, the funeral director who wrote the Your Funeral Guy blog, died after a heart attack on January 19, 2011. He was 58 years old.
In a sad irony, while he was a crusader for funeral consumers, he left his family totally unprepared – no life insurance, no wishes to follow, no computer passwords on file.
Under the nom de plume R. Brian Burkhardt, to distinguish himself from others with the same name, his Your Funeral Guy blog challenged the practices of the funeral industry, from suppliers to funeral homes to cemeteries.
He wrote about wide cost variations for funeral products and services, news, scams and trends in the funeral industry, and he reviewed funeral related books. He started the blog in November 2007 and his last posting was January 17, 2011.
Burkhardt also wrote Rest in Peace: Insider’s Tips to the Low Cost Less Stress Funeral
He was quoted in stories by The New York Times, Newsweek, Dow Jones Newswires, Fox News, MSN.com Money Central, and other news outlets.
His crusade against the excesses of the funeral industry came out of his personal experiences as a funeral director in Washington, D.C., Wisconsin and Illinois. He witnessed some consumers getting exquisite traditional funerals for thousands of dollars less than normal cost. He vowed to help the ordinary consumer reduce their funeral expenses.
Burkhardt worked for nine years as a newspaper distribution manager for the Naperville Sun. After being laid off when the company was sold in 2000, he decided to become a funeral director and minister to families in their time of need.
He obtained his mortuary associates degree from Worsham College of Mortuary Science. He also held a degree in political science from Illinois State University.
“He loved to serve families and didn’t want to take them for as much money as possible at the time of the funeral,” said his wife Mary. “He worked for some really unethical people. He admired the profession but not those people who take advantage of the bereaved.”
A news junkie who loved history, Burkhardt enjoyed taking the family to visit sites such as Mount Vernon and Williamsburg, Virginia when the family lived in the Washington, D.C. area. He and his wife Mary have two daughters, Alexandra and Sarah.
Burkhardt was born September 19, 1952 in Berwyn, Illinois and grew up in Elmhurst, IL. He was diagnosed with diabetes in 1995 and developed lung embolisms in 2008. He spent a year recovering at home, during which time he wrote his book and worked on the Your Funeral Guy blog.
“I can’t believe Bob didn’t tell me a thing,” observed Mary Burkhardt. “It would have helped me have better closure to have information. I had no wishes to follow.”
The family was left financially destitute, with no money for funeral services or an obituary in the newspaper. They used cheapest cremation service they could find nearby.
Word of his death is only now coming out because Mrs. Burkhardt was able to retrieve his phone messages after asking the phone company to grant her access, since she didn’t have his PIN number or passwords. (She called me after I had left a message of concern when I noticed he hadn’t posted in two months.)
Ironically, on Your Funeral Guy blog, Burkhardt had responded to a comment on a page about free online memorials, Dead Facebook Society, on January 14, 2011, just five days before he died.
His body was cremated after organs were harvested for donation. May Bob Burkhardt’s memory be a blessing.
Your Funeral Guy R. Brian Burkhardt
Filed under: Funeral Home How-To, Funeral News Bits | Tags: funeral etiquette
Today’s Dear Abby column looks at the etiquette of stopping for a funeral procession.
A reader asks: For years I have wondered about this every time I have gone to a funeral and have ridden in the procession to the cemetery.
As the procession travels to the cemetery, all cars and trucks pull over and stop. That custom strikes me as very touching. I was in another procession last week, and even the UPS truck and several semis pulled over.
My question is, is this a custom only in southern Indiana where I live, or does everyone do this? — WONDERING NEAR INDIANAPOLIS
Hearse at Hyer Cemetery
DEAR WONDERING: According to Emily Post, this consideration should be accorded regardless of where people live. She writes: “If you encounter a funeral cortege (signaled by a line of cars with headlights or flashing hazard lights on), it’s respectful to pull over to the side of the street until the cars have passed. Waiting at a green light while a cortege passes is also expected, even if someone behind you is honking to proceed.”
For additional information on rules related to funeral processions, read this Family Plot Blog post or visit Funeralwise.com‘s excellent website.
Wiley’s Non Sequitur cartoon is back on the cemetery kick! Today’s strip features a man standing inside the grounds of the “Second to the Last Words Cemetery.”
Looking over at one majestic monument, carved in stone, it reads, “Remember when you asked me to be completely honest, honey?”
That will get you in trouble, for sure!
