Filed under: From Death to Funeral | Tags: Chevrah Kaddisha, Jewish traditions, shiva, shomer
“I’m here for the body,” I told the clerk at the Albuquerque Sunport air cargo building. Actually, I was there to accompany the body to the funeral home to fulfill the Jewish tradition of shmira. That’s accompanying the dead to their final resting place and watching over the body before burial.
This body had come a long way, and still had a ways to go. But thanks to the coordination of our local Chevrah Kaddisha, the Jewish burial society, no body has to take its final journey alone. It’s rare that we are called upon to do shmira, as Albuquerque isn’t a huge hotbed of Orthodox Judaism, but we rose to the occasion.
The deceased was a young lady who died of food poisoning at the age of 30 while visiting her grandmother in Florida. Given the distance from her home in New Mexico, cremation was considered. The traditionally observant (a.k.a. frum) members of her family prevailed.
With the help of the Chabad organization in Florida, her body was given a tahara, washed and dressed in the traditional manner, then placed in a simple pine box. The funeral home in Florida arranged for her body to be flown as air cargo to Albuquerque.
It was 9:00 p.m. when I arrived, shortly after the flight got in. The air cargo clerk told me the body would be brought to the air cargo area in about 20 minutes. A couple of dogs and some body parts were also being delivered for pick up. I waited in my car for the funeral home representative to arrive.
Rose from the funeral home drove up in a Ford mini-van. The funeral home saves the hearse for funerals and uses more prosaic vehicles for this kind of behind-the-scenes work. We went into the office and waited our turn.
A one-armed delivery man got the body parts. It was his second trip to air cargo that day. Three people picked up two dogs – a happy reunion. Then it was our turn to get the body. Rose signed the paperwork to take delivery.
The casket was encased in an Air Tray, basically a sturdy cardboard box on top of a wooden base that looks like a tray. The air cargo clerk moved it with a forklift to the edge of the loading dock. Rose backed the mini-van up and opened the back door. The box slid in, and with some adjustment of the front seats, fit tightly inside the van.
I followed the van from the airport to the funeral home’s facility in Rio Rancho. Songs about going home played on the radio. I pondered this young woman’s life cut short and her body’s journey, of which I was now a part.
The funeral director and a helper meet us at the funeral home. They unload the box onto a wheeled trolley and take it inside. By the time I park my car and walk inside, the Air Tray had been removed and the plain pine casket is positioned in a slumber room. A tall candle burns on a table next to the casket.
The funeral director offers coffee and directions for getting in touch if I need anything. Then I am locked in the funeral home at 10:30 p.m. All alone with a body.
It’s quiet – except for occasional mysterious sounds in other parts of the building. I open my Bible to start reading psalms, as a shomer, one who watches, is supposed to do. Ironically, the first reading I come upon is Ezekiel 37, the Valley of the Dry Bones. It seemed like a good way to start.
I skip around various psalms, then read the Song of Solomon, since it so celebrates life, love, and the human body. When we do a tahara, we read passages from the Song of Songs that celebrate the male and female form.
As it gets close to midnight, I start to feel sleepy. Suddenly, my cell phone jolts me wide awake. It’s Linda and Jill, the ladies for the next shift, calling.
“We’re at the wrong funeral home. We had to call your husband at home for your cell number and find out where you are,” said Linda. “Sorry we woke him up.”
That’s okay, I needed to be awakened myself, I thought.
Shomers may get sleepy, but they are present. They guard the body and read to the deceased until there’s a proper burial. After the funeral, attention shifts to focus on the family and support them in their grief during the shiva (or shivah) period of mourning. You can read more about that in other posts on this blog.
Filed under: From Death to Funeral, Trends in Death Care | Tags: communications, funerals, hospice, obituaries
Obituaries, a traditional communications vehicle to spread the news about death and funerals, generally fall into two categories: news obituaries and classified obituaries. There is a third type, the display ad obituary, which I’m seeing more of lately.
News obituaries are stories written by journalists about someone who has made some notable contribution to humanity or the local community before they died. A reporter will interview one or more people to prepare the story, and an editor will review the piece. The family generally does not get to see the article before it runs.
Classified obituaries, paid listings placed by the family, are like other classified ads for yard sales or jobs, except they get their own separate section in the newspaper. These can be as long and detailed as the family wishes to make it, although the more you say, the more you pay.
And the newspaper does not edit what is written. If the obit is submitted with typos or incorrect information, it runs as is. Some newspapers allow the addition of a photo with the obit. Yet, they are still the typical narrow columns you see in the classified ads.
And then, rarely, there are display ad obituaries. These can appear anywhere in the newspaper, scattered among the big ads for local merchants’ sales. Display ads typically cost more than classified ads, priced by the column inch. In my local newspaper on Sunday, I saw this display ad obituary:
If you can’t read the text, it says:
Chester Lee “Chet” Barnes, 1916 -2011
We mourn his passing and celebrate his life. He touched all of our lives in so many ways, as father & friend. His integrity, unwavering concern for others and his lifelong commitment to living right was an example for all. With love, memory of his deeds & the strength of his example live on.
I would like to especially thank my loving wife, Sherry and my daughter Shelia and her husband Mark Lee, my sister Ernalee and her husband Robert Widgren; Home Care Assistance’s Courtney Gonzales, Hospice of New Mexico’s Candice, Eileen and Larry for making it possible for my Dad to spend his last months at home where he wanted to be.
Thanks also to all his friends for all their words of support, condolences and to those who were able to attend his memorial service making it a “Celebration of his Life”.
Til we see each other again; love you Dad.
Richard L. Barnes
What a lovely way to preserve and share the memory of a remarkable man. Thank you Richard, for creating a keepsake obituary that conveyed elements of your father’s character and expressed your thanks to the people who supported the family.
I wish I could have covered the celebration of his life. May Chet Barnes’ memory be a blessing.
The death of a child is wrenching, whether from accident, illness, or other causes. It’s out of order in the cycle of life and death. The young are not supposed to die before the old.
Grief counselor Joan Guntzelman, who has years of experience working with grieving families, notes, “With any child’s death, there’s a huge sense of sadness and often guilt and responsibility on the part of the parents, a feeling of ‘I failed’ or ‘I didn’t do it right.’ It may take a long time for a parent to come to self-forgiveness for the death or illness of a child.” Marriages can have problems after the death of a child, because men and women often grieve differently.
When a child dies, while the same paperwork and disposition choices need to be made as for an adult, you don’t want the funeral to look or sound like one for an old person. The accoutrements of childhood, such as favorite toys, stories, poetry, music, or flowers, can be displayed and utilized at the event.
Plan the service with input from the children who will be there. You’ll want to let the funeral director and your clergy person know about any special plans you have and find out if they are willing to be involved. Think about what kind of service would be most personal and meaningful to you and your family.
The family might consider holding a funeral service geared to children, separate from an “adult” funeral. Contact the parents of the children to be invited and let them know what you are planning.
A counselor or other caring adult can talk with the kids and help them share their stories about the deceased, process their grief and generate understanding. One helpful strategy is to provide crayons and paper for the children to make artistic expressions of their feelings after a funeral, whether for an adult or a child.
“As long as they understand first where they’re going and the parents talk to them according to their age level about what’s happened here, children are fine going to funerals,” says Guntzelman. “Kids can take almost anything as long as they have closeness, warmth and support while they’re doing it.”
What if there’s a funeral and we have children? Should we bring them?
According to grief counselor Joan Guntzelman, bringing children to funerals is perfectly fine, with some preparation on the part of the parents. Using teachable moments, such as the death of a pet, seeing an animal dead on the side of the road, or observing a plant that has died, can be a good way of showing a child that death is a part of life and it happens to all living things. Guntzelman suggests parents can say to the child “it’s hard, because the plant, animal or person will be missed.”
“It’s always a good idea for parents to explain death to kids in ways that they can comprehend,” says Guntzelman. “Be careful about explaining death in terms of God taking a person away, because developmentally, that’s a concept many little ones have not mastered yet, or of saying things like, ‘Grandpa’s sleeping now.’ When you try to get them to go to sleep, they may react with anxiety or even terror.”
It’s okay for an adult to express sadness to a child over the loss of a loved one. Kids learn mostly by identification and imitation, so when they see an adult grieving, they absorb how it’s done. It’s important for grown-ups as well.
“Nobody expects you to do this with a big smile on your face,” says Guntzelman. “The way we humans incorporate loss into our lives is the process of grieving. It’s fine to cry. It’s part of the way we express our relationship with this person.”
“Never force a child to kiss a corpse. If they want to kiss Grandpa, or touch his hand, or put one of their toys in the casket, that’s fine,” says Guntzelman. “Kids’ memories are more images and experiences rather than what people say to them.”
Filed under: From Death to Funeral, Trends in Death Care | Tags: funeral planning, insurance
Scott Beeman, head of Aetna Life Insurance, which recently introduced expedited payments and funeral planning to their services, knows the value of speedy life insurance claims processing from personal experience. His father died when he was 11 years old.
“Any mail that was received for my father, we sat on a dining room table, and I don’t think my mom opened up my father’s mail until six or seven months after his death. And I would bet, somewhere in that pile of mail, was a claimant kit,” said Beeman.
He’s referring to the life insurance industry’s standard process of sending out a generic package or template of information to be filled out by the beneficiary in order to receive a death benefit payment. The problem is, the claimant kit could be left unopened for some time during bereavement, and then questions and mail time lag can add weeks to the claim process.
The average time it takes most life insurance companies to process an average claim ranges from 100-200 days from date of death to date of payment, and for some of the tardiest carriers out there, it could take more than 200 days. That’s six to seven months of waiting for a life insurance benefit payment. If you’re counting on that money to pay for a funeral, you are in a heap of trouble.
However, Aetna has a different approach to processing claims that makes their standard process 20% to 30% faster than other insurers. They don’t use a claimant kit, and they don’t require original death certificates because of the time it takes to get them from the appropriate authorities. “Those two things alone could save anywhere from a minimum of 10 days to a maximum of 100 days or more on a claim,” said Beeman.
Aetna also has an expedited service model called Beneficiary Management Services, where Aetna acts as the HR office on behalf of the employers who carry their life insurance. It means that Aetna files the claim using a team of beneficiary management analysts who are also bereavement counselors.
They help the bereaved beneficiary any way they can, making sure they realize all the benefits they can have, gathering the necessary documents for the claim, and submitting the claim. This service reduces Aetna’s standard claims processing time from about 100 days to approximately 50 days.
And now, Aetna is offering even faster expedited claims payments, within 24 to 48 hours. This service is combined with funeral planning services through Everest Funeral Planning, which include:
- 24X7 Advisor Assistance to discuss funeral planning issues with consumers, including choosing a funeral home, finding a cemetery, purchasing a casket and others.
- PriceFinder Research Reports to help consumers compare costs at local funeral homes. The PriceFinder database is the only nationwide database of funeral home prices.
- Online Planning Tools, including the “10 Key Decisions” and “My Wishes” planning guides. The personal information consumers enter into these tools is stored and maintained in a secure data warehouse.
In addition, this new offering also provides resources for families after the member has passed away. They include:
- Family Assistance and Plan Implementation – Advisors work with the family to understand their wishes and then communicate the personal funeral plan to the funeral home, providing 24-hour assistance throughout the funeral process.
- Negotiation Assistance – Advisors gather pricing information and present it to the family in an easy-to-read format; they negotiate funeral service pricing with local funeral homes; and help the family compare prices of caskets and other products or services.
A 2006 survey of Aetna customers indicated people said “I don’t like buying group life insurance because it only helps people after I die, it doesn’t help me while I’m living.” As a result, Aetna Life Essentials program started offering wellness services: discounts on fitness center memberships, fitness equipment, hearing and vision services, as well as personalized counseling for employees and beneficiaries who are suffering from disabilities or a serious medical condition. This is in addition to legal, financial and emotional services also offered through the value-added program.
Beeman said, “Being part of a health company at Aetna, we see the life insurance as just one continuum and the death benefit as one point of that continuum, to provide a benefit to our overall membership. Everest allows members who have to plan funerals for loved ones while they’re at work to be more efficient, helping them plan their own funerals or funerals for other loved ones who might not be living near them.”
“At a time of need, by expediting the claim payment, and having a funeral concierge there, we remove two barriers that prevent most people from being able to emotionally heal themselves and their families – their focus on the financials and the planning activities.”
As I’ve said in my presentations on funeral planning for those who don’t plan to die, just as talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead – and your family will benefit from the conversation. This new service will go a long way toward getting the conversation started.
Filed under: From Death to Funeral, Trends in Death Care | Tags: funeral planning, insurance
The Hartford Financial Services Group recently released a survey that indicated two out of three Americans would have a hard time paying for an unexpected funeral, and 46% of them would anticipate using life insurance to pay for funeral expenses.
Those folks will have for a rude awakening when they realize most life insurance claims take weeks or months to process – unless they have life insurance from The Hartford, which recently announced its Life Conversations Express Pay program that speeds up payment of death benefits to as little as 48 hours from the date of death.
“We noticed there was a gap between employees believing they would get the life insurance proceeds in time to be able to pay for the actual funeral expenses. The reality is, in most instances, the beneficiaries don’t get the benefit payment before they have to pay for a funeral,” said Brad Molinsky, Director of Products in The Hartford’s Group Benefits Division. “Our challenge was to figure out how to get life insurance proceeds to the employees faster. That’s how the Express Pay concept came to be.”
About a year and a half ago, The Hartford looked to put together a suite of services that employees or their beneficiaries could access for help with end-of-life planning, or executing those plans when a person dies. They partnered with Everest Funeral Planning and Concierge Services to provide a comprehensive end-of-life planning tool kit that they call Life Conversations.
This suite of services is an automatic part of group life insurance program enrollment with The Hartford and does not cost extra. The Hartford’s Life Conversation resources include funeral planning, will preparation, estate planning, and emotional, financial and legal support services to beneficiaries. The call center, staffed by Everest employees, is open 24 hours a day, seven days a week.
Said Molinsky, “Hopefully, beneficiaries have pre-planned, but if they haven’t, at least they can get to Everest as soon as possible, because Everest can help them navigate the funeral decisions.”
Everest works with the funeral director to get a form they call the Funeral Director’s Death Certificate, a document that The Hartford accepts in lieu of waiting for the formal death certificate to be processed by the county or state, which can take weeks.
The Express Pay feature applies for expected death, such as in a hospital or nursing home after an illness. With an unexpected death – such as an auto accident – the company would follow the traditional method of a claims decision. It takes time to get results from a coroner’s investigation or an autopsy, and the beneficiaries may have to wait weeks before a death certificate is issued.
In the Express Pay process, the claims department expedites review, makes the claim decision, then overnights the benefit to the beneficiary. There are two payment options – a lump sum check or an alternative feature called the Safe Haven program, a unique feature for group life insurance carriers. The Hartford sends a checkbook, called a draft book, that allows the beneficiary to draw immediately-available funds to write a check to the funeral home. The lump sum check needs to be deposited and may take 7-10 days to clear.
“The reality is, probably not everybody’s going to use it, but at least we want to make it available to anybody covered under our life insurance programs, and build awareness with the employers to promote to their employees that this is a valuable benefit,” said Molinsky.
Other findings in The Hartford’s survey include:
- Most people estimate the average cost of a funeral is $8,800. That is close, but when you add the cost of a cemetery plot and grave opening and closing, the range is closer to $10,000 to $12,000.
- Nearly half of those surveyed (46%) said they anticipate using life insurance to pay for an unexpected funeral, and 42% said they would use personal savings.
- 53% of consumers have obtained life insurance
- 36% have not started end-of-life planning
- 27% have prepared a will
- 20% have created a living will
- 5% have made funeral plans/arrangements
With only 5% of respondents saying they’ve made funeral plans, it just goes to show, most folks really don’t plan to die. As I’m fond of saying, just as talking about sex won’t make you pregnant, talking about funerals won’t make you dead – and the people you love will benefit from the conversation!
Filed under: From Death to Funeral | Tags: communications, funeral planning, funerals, weddings
Good communication is an important part of funeral planning. Previously, I posted information about what to say when you call friends and relatives to notify them about a death in the family. You can read it in this post: Telephone How-To.
When time is of the essence, can you easily assemble the names, addresses, emails and phone numbers for all your family and friends? To prepare a list of your friends and relatives that you can contact on a moment’s notice, you might want to check out The Family Plot File. I created this Word and Excel document package for my wedding, to help me keep track of everyone contacted or who still needed contacting.
Whether it’s good news or bad, organization is key to successfully implementing life cycle events such as weddings and funerals without losing your mind. By utilizing The Family Plot File, this electronic data resource will make contacting your family and friends so much easier!
If, however, you’d like to just record your message and send it out to a phone list as you would a mass email, there’s a service that will do that for you. I just found this news about Call-Em-All and Otrib.com teaming up “to quickly and cost-effectively notify friends and relatives of a loved one’s passing with the funeral/memorial service information needed to make necessary arrangements.”
“Our automated phone calling service is used in a wide range of applications, from prayer requests to rain-out notifications for sports teams,” said Brad Herrmann, President of Call-Em-All.com. “Now, Otrib and Call-Em-All have a unique opportunity to engage consumers in the death notification process.”
Call-Em-All’s automatic calling tree is a way to update/notify thousands of contacts without spending hours on the phone or listening to busy signals. Simply upload the phone numbers you need to reach and Call-Em-All connects you to multiple people simultaneously with a single phone call.
An effective way to spread the news, but you’ll still have to have a list of phone numbers put together to upload to the service. Something to thing about…
Filed under: From Death to Funeral, Trends in Death Care | Tags: funeral planning, hospice, memorial services
A local hospice uses video to record patients’ life stories as a keepsake for families, preserving their life history and providing a chance for family to get answers to questions before the person dies. This video record could also serve as a wonderful addition to a memorial service when funeral planning.
In today’s Albuquerque Journal, on the front of the Health section, there’s a story headlined “Saying Goodbye – Hospice patients narrate stories for family in Life Review program. Unfortunately, the Journal doesn’t make their stories available online unless you are a subscriber, so allow me to summarize the program featured in the article.
Presbyterian Hospice has a Life Review program, where hospice patients are asked to tell their life story. It starts with a list of questions developed by family members and by Lorri Griego, the volunteer coordinator who created the program, which allows patients to share memories with their loved ones on camera. A hospice volunteer then asks the questions and a second volunteer videotapes the patient’s storytelling. The unedited tape is given to the patient, who can do what he or she likes with it.
The life review offers a snapshot of how people change in later years, and how they stay the same. There is research that there are important psychological benefits for a life review, giving people a chance to build their legacy.
Kenneth J. Doka, a professor of gerontology at the College of New Rochelle and senior consultant at the Hospice Foundation of America, explained, “It gives some meaning in life. When you die you want to be able to say, ‘My life counted.’ It really speaks to a very deep spiritual need for both the survivor and the patient.”
I’d like to add that portions of these life review videos can also provide a wonderful addition to a funeral or memorial service for that person. How wonderful it would be to hear the favorite stories we’ve heard from our elders told once more at their final send-off party.
Lee Simoni-Youtz, who interviewed her grandmother for her Life Review, said, “It’s hard to talk about these things. But to give a dying person the opportunity to talk about the things that were meaningful to them and to record them, is such a gift. It’s a gift to the dying person and to their families.”
Filed under: From Death to Funeral | Tags: burial, cremation, funeral planning, funerals, memorial services
Funeral planning doesn’t necessarily mean you’re holding a funeral.
Each end-of-life event is different, with elements you can choose to do, or not. Your family traditions, religion, and individual beliefs will help guide your choices. Here’s a quick outline of choices:
- Funeral: A service held within a week of death with the body present, followed by burial, entombment or cremation. Viewing the body is an option.
- Memorial Service: A service held without the body present, or with cremated remains, within a flexible time schedule – often within a week of death, but sometimes weeks or months later.
- Visitation: One or more opportunities for community, relatives, and friends to visit the bereaved family, usually held at the funeral home prior to a funeral. Visitations may include viewing of the body, if that is the family’s tradition, and Catholics may incorporate a rosary service as part of a visitation.
- Burial/Entombment: If the funeral is held anywhere other than graveside, a procession of funeral attendees will follow the body to a cemetery. A separate ceremony is held to commit the body to its final resting place.
- Reception: After the ceremony, the family may host or friends may help provide food for a post-funeral or memorial service gathering.
Within these end-of-life event elements, there is a wide range of options that influence costs, the meaningfulness of the ceremony, and how well the family starts to process their grief.
