Check out this “fun” listing of ten bodily functions that continue after death, first posted at the website, i09.com.
10 Bodily Functions That Continue After Death
Death doesn’t need to stop you from doing all the things you enjoy, as long as the things you enjoy are pretty basic. Certain bodily functions continue for minutes, hours, days, and even weeks after death. You will not believe the kind of things a dead body will do with its now-copious amount of time.
By the way, this post is not for the weak of stomach.
10. Nail and hair growth (by technicality)
This is a technical function, not an actual function. The body doesn’t produce more hair and nail tissue, but both of these things do ‘grow,’ in the days after death. What actually happens is the skin loses moisture (although cosmetics companies are probably hard at work making a cream for that) and pulls back, exposing more hair and making nails seem longer. Since you do measure the length of hair and nails from the point where they meet the skin to the tip of the hair, the hair does ‘grow’.
9. Brain activity (with drugs)
One of the side effects of modern technology is a blurring of the time between life and death. The brain can be almost completely gone, but the heart can keep pumping. If the heart is stopped for a minute, there’s no breathing, and the person was dying anyway, most doctors just pronounce people dead while their brain is technically still alive for the next few minutes. The brain’s cells spend those minutes scrambling for the oxygen and nutrients they need to stay alive – to the point where they often damage themselves irreparably even if the heart starts up again. Those minutes before the damage is too extensive could be extended, with the right drugs and under the right circumstances, to days. Ideally, this would give doctors a chance to save you, but it’s not guaranteed. I know what most of you are thinking, “What fun! The biggest problem I had with dying is that it could be quick and painless, with no chance that my living brain is stuck inside a corpse for days on end.” Well, now you don’t have to worry about that.
8. Skin cell growth
This is another function of different parts of the body dying at different rates. While loss of blood circulation can kill the brain in minutes, other cells are not as in need of constant care. Skin cells, which are used to living on the outskirts of the body and grabbing what they can through osmosis, can stay alive for days. Its a good thing they don’t have brains, or I’d feel sorry for them, the poor doomed things.
7. Peeing
Peeing, we think, is a voluntary function. And we’re mostly right, except if something’s really funny. Not-peeing, though, is not a voluntary function. We never have to think about it, because a certain part of the brain is always in charge of it. This is the same part that’s involved in regulating a person’s breathing and heartbeat, which is one of the reasons people tend to pee involuntarily if they’re drunk. The part of the brain that keeps the urinary sphincter closed is inhibited. (More alcohol will shut down the part that regulate breathing and heart function, which is one of the reasons too much alcohol is dangerous.) Although rigor mortis stiffens the muscles, it doesn’t set in until hours after death. Just after death, muscles relax, causing people to urinate after death.
6. Pooing
We all know that in times of stress the body eliminates waste, often in front of people or on camera. The body relaxes certain muscles and things just . . . progress. In the case of dead bodies, the whole thing is helped along by the gas that’s produced inside the body. This can happen hours after death. Hours. Considering fetuses can also poop in the womb (it’s true!), this may be both the first and last thing we do in life. Puts things in perspective, doesn’t it?
5. Digestion
It turns out that when you die, bot only are you expelling stuff, you’re actively making more. Or, at least, something is making more. We forget that we share our bodies with tons of other creatures, many of them beneficial. The bacteria inside your gut don’t die just because you do. While plenty of them are parasitic, some of them are great aids to digestion, and do part of the work for us. They keep right on chugging, even when we’re good and dead. Others eat into the lining of our intestines, making more of that gas that repulsed us all in section six, which pushes things along.
4. Erections and Ejaculation
When the heart stops forcing the blood around the body, it pools in whatever area is lowest. Sometimes people die standing up and sometimes people die lying face down. I think everyone here has enough spatial reasoning to understand what kind of blood pooling that would encourage. Meanwhile, for all that talk of relaxing muscles after death, it doesn’t last forever. Certain types of muscle cells are activated by calcium ions. After activation, the cells expend energy putting the calcium ions back outside the cell. After death, the membranes become more permeable to calcium and the cells don’t expend as much energy to push the ions out, so the muscles contract. This does lead to rigor mortis and can lead to ejaculation. It’s real. It happens. Now let’s never think of it again.
3. Muscle movement
Although the brain may die, other areas of the nervous system may still be active. Nurses report seeing reflex action, which involves nerves sending signals to the spinal cord and not the brain, leading to muscle twitches and spasms after death. Some even say they’ve seen shallow chest movements after death. (Although maybe the doctor fell down on the job for that one.)
2. Vocalization
Our bodies are basically sacks of gas and goo supported by bones (which are filled with yet more goo). Rotting happens when bacteria go to work and the proportion of the gas increases. Since we carry most bacteria inside our body, the gas builds up inside. We’ve seen several ways it takes out. One of those ways is through the windpipe. Since rigor mortis stiffens all the muscles, including the ones that work the vocal cords, the combination leads to some very eerie sounds coming from dead bodies. People hear moans, groans, and squeaks coming from the dead, although why they stay around to confirm that the bodies making them are truly dead instead of peeing on the floor and running for their lives is beyond me.
1. Giving birth
Oh. Holy. Hell. No Twilight scene could be worse than this. Back in the day when people dropped like flies, a number of women died while pregnant, and sometimes in times that were too cold to give them a burial. This gave rise to a charming little term called ‘coffin birth.’ The gases building up inside a body, combined with the softening flesh, were said to cause the body to expel the fetus. These events were rare, and caused a lot of rumors, but were documented in times before proper embalming and quick burial. It sounds like the kind of thing out of an Edgar Allen Poe book, but it did happen. And it’s yet another reason to be happy that we live in the modern world.
http://io9.com/5862418/10-bodily-functions-that-continue-after-death
Did you watch the funeral on last night’s debut of the new season of Two and a Half Men? I tuned in just to see what they’d do to officially get rid of Charlie Sheen’s character, Charlie Harper, and of course, report on the funeral.
It looked like a traditional funeral, but – this being a comedy – there were snarky comments from the large group of Charlie’s ex-girlfriends in attendance. When brother Alan Harper said, “I know this is a very sad day for all of us,” one woman piped up saying, “Speak for yourself!” When Alan said he was giving, other women chimed in that Charlie had given them various sexually transmitted diseases.
Charlie’s mother, a real estate agent, stood up to say, “Excuse me, this is my dead son that we’re talking about. I loved him and I’m devastated that he’s gone.” She then segues into an announcement that his beautiful oceanfront house in Malibu was for sale (brochures in the lobby, open house on Sunday, 1:00 to 5:00).
It was a nice touch to have Charlie Harper’s typical attire of bowling shirt and shorts on display at the funeral.
Alan tried to conduct the proceedings with what dignity he could muster. One man stood up to ask about repayment of $38,000 from Charlie’s estate for “pharmaceuticals.” Alan suggested he take it up with the lawyers, and the man responded, “Oh, I’d rather not involve the law.”
Apparently Charlie got married in Paris to true love/stalker Rose. His new wife (now widow) said after they got married she discovered him in the shower with another woman. A day later, he slipped and fell off the platform as a Metro subway car was pulling into the station. “His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat,” she said.
It was interesting to note that they had a closed casket at this funeral, even though his mortal remains were not presentable. One of the ex-girlfriends said, “I didn’t come all this way to spit on a closed coffin.”
The difference between a funeral and a memorial service is the presence of a body. Since there wasn’t much of a body, why have a casket at all? Especially since Charlie’s remains were cremated after the funeral and delivered to Alan at the house.
Alan spoke a few touching words to the urn.
“Here we are buddy. Just like old times, huh? I’m talkin’ and you’re in a bottle ignoring me. I wanted to tell you that I loved you and will miss you and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in and letting us live here all these years. “
He then pondered what to do with him. He thought, “Hey, maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach. It’s simple, it’s dignified, and pretty girls covered in oil will be sitting on you all day. Kind of like your life… except for the dignified part.”
Alan moved toward the door and the beach, only to be scared witless by Ashton Kutcher’s character Walden Schmidt peering in the door. Alan tosses the opened urn in the air and scatters Charlie’s ashes all over the living room.
Schmidt is a lonely Internet billionaire who’s devastated by the breakup of his marriage. So devastated, he tries to kill himself in the ocean, “but the water was too cold.” Walden and Alan become friends, and the groundwork is set for Walden to move in and take Charlie’s place.
Chicago Sun-Times TV critic Lori Rackl said in her review, “Monday’s opener got off to a surprisingly good start, considering it took place in a funeral home. Penis and fart jokes are one thing — and the first episode made it clear the show intends to keep cranking those out. But death is a tougher sell, even before a studio audience full of fans…Making fun of a dead guy — even a dead guy who’s been with the show for eight long seasons — is exactly the kind of impudence viewers have come to expect from “Two and a Half Men.”
The episode will be continued next week. I may have to tune in again. That Ashton Kutcher sure is easy on the eyes!
A joke for today:
Sam died and his will provided $50,000 for an elaborate funeral.
As the last attendees left, Sam’s wife, Rose, turned to her oldest friend Sadie and said, “Well, I’m sure Sam would be pleased.”
“I’m sure you’re right, ” replied Sadie, who leaned in close and lowered her voice to a whisper. “Tell me, Rose, how much did it really cost?”
“All of it? Fifty thousand,” said Rose.
“No!” Sadie exclaimed. “I mean, it was very nice, but really… $50,000?”
Rose nodded. “The funeral was $6,500. I donated $500 to the shul for the Rabbi’s services. The shiva food and drinks were another $500. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Sadie computed quickly. “$42,500 for a memorial stone? Oy vey, how big is it?”
“Five and a half carats!”
(BTW, these prices are about right these days, however the funeral cost does not include the burial plot, grave liner, and services to open and close the grave, which can add another $3,000 to $4,000 or more.)
Check out this Men of Mortuaries calendar image from 2008. The Good Funeral Guide Blog in the U.K., headed up by Charles Cowling, recently ran a post about the charitable calendar that made appearances in 2007 and 2008.
Obit Magazine did a fun story about the project back in 2007: OMG!! Men of Mortuaries?
The calendar is produced by KAMM Cares, a non-profit organization created by Kenneth McKenzie (Mr. June 2008). The organization places money directly into the hands of persons going through breast cancer treatment.
The money raised from this calendar helped pay for necessities such as child care costs, groceries, and other expenses that would be a hardship for some undergoing radiation and chemotherapy treatments. This calendar is just one example of using humor to help others cope.
I think we need to have another go-round with a fresh calendar. According to the Men of Mortuaries website, you can still get a 2008 calendar for only $3.95. Something to think about as we go into a hot August weekend…
A passenger in a taxi heading across town leaned over to ask the driver a question and gently tapped him on the shoulder to get his attention.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate window.
For a few moments everything was silent in the cab.
Then, the shaking driver said “Are you OK? I’m so sorry, but you scared the daylights out of me.”
The badly shaken passenger apologized to the driver and said, “I didn’t realize that a mere tap on the shoulder would startle someone so badly.”
The driver replied, “No, no, I’m the one who is sorry, it’s entirely my fault. Today is my very first day driving a cab. I’ve been driving a hearse for 25 years.”
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An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, ‘They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.’
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A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour:
And, one who can enjoy browsing old cemeteries…
Some fascinating things on old tombstones!
Harry Edsel Smith of Albany, New York:
Born 1903–Died 1942.
Looked up the elevator shaft to see if the
car was on the way down. It was.
=============================
In a Thurmont, Maryland cemetery:
Here lies an Atheist, all dressed up and no
place to go
=============================
On the grave of Ezekial Aikle in East Dalhousie Cemetery, Nova Scotia:
Here lies Ezekial Aikle, Age 102. Only The
Good Die Young.
=============================
In a London, England cemetery:
Here lies Ann Mann, Who lived an old maid
but died an old Mann. Dec. 8, 1767
=============================
In a Ribbesford, England cemetery:
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread, And
the Lord sent them manna. Clark Wallace
wanted a wife, And the Devil sent him Anna.
===============================
In a Ruidoso, New Mexico cemetery:
Here lies Johnny Yeast…. Pardon him
for not rising.
===============================
In a Uniontown, Pennsylvania cemetery:
Here lies the body of Jonathan Blake.
Stepped on the gas instead of the brake.
==============================
In a Silver City, Nevada cemetery:
Here lays The Kid.
We planted him raw.
He was quick on the trigger
But slow on the draw.
================================
A lawyer’s epitaph in England:
Sir John Strange.
Here lies an honest lawyer,
and that is Strange.
=================================
John Penny’s epitaph in the Wimborne, England, cemetery:
Reader, if cash thou art in want of any,
Dig 6 feet deep and thou wilt find a Penny.
==================================
In a cemetery in Hartscombe, England:
On the 22nd of June, Jonathan Fiddle went
out of tune.
==================================
Anna Hopewell’s grave in Enosburg Falls Vermont:
Here lies the body of our Anna,
Done to death by a banana.
It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low,
But the skin of the thing that made her go.
==================================
On a grave from the 1880s in Nantucket, Massachusetts:
Under the sod and under the trees,
Lies the body of Jonathan Pease.
He is not here, there’s only the pod..
Pease shelled out and went to God..
==================================
In a cemetery in England:
Remember man, as you walk by,
As you are now, so once was I
As I am now, so shall you be.
Filed under: Gallows Humor
Maybe you saw these making the rounds on email… A new guide on texting abbreviations, specially for seniors!
ATD – At the Doctor’s
BFF – Best Friends Funeral
BTW – Bring the Wheelchair
BYOT – Bring Your Own Teeth
CBM – Covered by Medicare
CUATSC – See You at the Senior Center
DWI – Driving While Incontinent
FWBB – Friend with Beta Blockers
FWIW – Forgot Where I Was
FYI – Found Your Insulin
GGPBL – Gotta Go, Pacemaker Battery Low
GHA – Got Heartburn Again
HGBM – Had Good Bowel Movement
IMHO – Is My Hearing-Aid On?
LMDO – Laughing My Dentures Out
LOL – Living on Lipitor
LWO – Lawrence Welk’s On
OMMR – On My Massage Recliner
OMSG – Oh My! Sorry, Gas
ROFL…CGU – Rolling on the Floor Laughing…Can’t get Up!
TTYL – Talk to You Louder
WAITT – Who Am I Talking To?
WTFA – Wet the Furniture Again
WTP – Where’s the Prunes
WWNO – Walker Wheels Need Oil
GGLKI – Gotta Go, Laxative Kicking in!
