The web site ShortList.com recently ran a post about films with funerals. They called it “Cinema’s Most Memorable Funerals.” It’s interesting, I use many different funeral films in my talks about funeral planning, and only one of them made this list.
You can see short YouTube videos from each film at ShortList.com. The films they list are:
To Die For
Wedding Crashers
Man on the Moon
Four Weddings and a Funeral (I’ve got this one)
The Royal Tenenbaums
The Dark Knight (a Batman film!)
Heathers
My Girl
I need to expand my funeral film library some more! What about Undertaking Betty and the Star Trek funeral there? Death at a Funeral? The Six Wives of Henry LeFay? Get Low?
This weekend, I’m screening Big Fish, which I know ends with a funeral that confirms the tall tales the father told throughout the film.
The Pearls Before Swine series with Mr. Death, the Grim Reaper, continues! The next installment in the series features Pig talking with the big dark guy.
Mr. Death says, “Hey there, Pig. Just wanted to say thanks for being so nice and welcoming me back to the neighborhood.” Pig replies, “It’s my pleasure, Mr. Death. Hey, how come you’re not wearing the gift I got you? I bought it on my last vacation.”
Mr. Death replies, “Oh, that? Well… I…” and Pig says, “Oh, c’mon, Mr. Death. You’re really gonna hurt my feelings.”
In the last panel, Mr. Death, wearing Mickey Mouse ears, says, “Happy?” Pig squeals, “You look soooo cute.”
We laugh in the face of death!
This video shows how eulogies at funerals can be both funny and touching. The eulogy and funeral provides a time and a place to say things in public that can help the family heal after their loss. The video was created by filmmaker Yasmin Ahmad (1958-2009).
Here’s a video about Yasmin Ahmad’s life and contributions to film making and reporting on social issues in Malaysia.
Why did she die so young? She suffered a stroke. Rushed to the hospital for emergency surgery to removed the blood clot, she died the next day from massive bleeding in the brain. She was 51 years old.
Don’t you just love the Pearls Before Swine comic strip? I purchased the rights to use one classic Pearls cartoon on the cover of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die. This is where the subtitle comes from.
Today’s Pearls cartoon is another good one.
Pig and Goat are talking. Goat says, “Did you hear that the Grim Reaper Guy is moving back into the house next door to you? I guess he and Mrs. Death were separated for a while.”
Pig says, “Yeah. I sure missed Mr. Death. I’m even making a sign on behalf of the neighborhood welcoming him back.” In the next panel, you see the sign says “This town welcomes Death” (with little smiley faces on either side).
Goat says, “Maybe we could re-word that.” Pig says, “How ’bout this?” while holding up another sign that says, “Eagerly awaiting Death.”
Perhaps this is the start of a great series! Stay tuned…
Funeral planning doesn’t have to be painful, especially if done before there’s a death in the family. So many folks are reluctant to accept their own mortality and reluctant to make these preparations, but it makes such a big difference when done in advance.
So, in a rather different “things to do before you die” list, here are three things you should consider while you’re still in a position to do so:
1. Make yourself comfortable
Nobody wants to spend their closing days in discomfort or pain, so make the most of your later years and make yourself comfortable.
Whether this means you take more vacations, visit the family, or if you need it, have chair lifts fitted in your home is unimportant – what matters is that you are happy and comfortable.
2. Sort out your finances
This is the biggest area you need to consider, so take your time. When looking at funeral plans, shop around to compare prices and personalities, and get professional help when writing your will.
If you want to make provisions for your healthcare later in life, check out long term care insurance when you’re still healthy. Advance directives, medical power of attorney designations and ‘living wills’ outline how you want to be cared for should you become unable to make such decisions yourself.
3. Finalize the details
Do you want to be buried, cremated, or donate your body to science? Would your family go for a religious funeral or wild party? Who’s going to get which of your prized possessions and what’s going to happen to your home?
If you had chair lifts for stairs fitted in your home, these might need to be removed before putting the house on the market, so look into whether this can be managed by the company who fitted them.
Today’s Pickles cartoon looks at old long-time couples and what happens when one spouse dies.
Earl and Opal are sitting on the porch when Opal says, “My mother died at the age of 84, and 2 months later my Dad died. I guess he couldn’t bear to go on without her. I hope if I go first you’ll follow his example.”
Earl asks, “Because you’d miss me so much?” Opal replies, “Of course, but I also don’t like the idea of you having fun without me.”
We see the phenomenon of long-time couples dying within months of each other all the time. My grandparents on my Dad’s side both died at the age of 83, five months apart. Grandma Dot died in January and Grandpa Ben died in early May. We’re coming up on the anniversary of his death. Guess this cartoon just struck a cord with me.
Recently, I was a model in a fashion show with five other women. We’re all breast cancer survivors. We got to wear swanky clothes from Chico’s, get makeup done by Mary Kay Cosmetics, and take a spin on the catwalk.
After showing off two outfits, each model got to tell her individual experience with breast cancer and survival. Our group ranged from one year done with treatment to a number of years in the past, with a wide range of different treatments.
The fashion show was one of the educational sessions associated with the Nancy Floyd Haworth Foundation annual Celebration of Hope event. The seminar was called “Look Good and Feel Great: Take a Look at Me Now!”
It was such an inspiration to hear each woman’s story. Here’s a YouTube video of my talk in the second fashion show. The first show, with all the talks and the fashion show, is coming soon!
A great piece about funeral planning trends appeared in the Wall Street Journal a while ago. It offers great insights about making the party no one wants to plan a true reflection of a life.
Planning That Final Party by Kathleen A. Hughes
When my friend Margaret Goldsmith, a stylish Los Angeles real-estate agent, was battling ovarian cancer, she spent hours on the phone with her sister, Elizabeth, planning the details of her own memorial service.
“She called herself the ultimate party planner,” says Elizabeth. Margaret wanted the gathering at the Ebell of Los Angeles, a historic landmark; she wanted a friend to play bagpipes and another to sing “I’ll Fly Away” from the film “O Brother, Where Art Thou?”
After she passed away last year, at age 55, the service was spectacular and moving. Her husband, a cinematographer, assembled a slide show about her life. Her best friend told hilarious stories about their European travels in the 1970s. Her brother-in-law, a screenwriter, delivered an entertaining story about his entry into the family.
Laughing and crying, I had another thought: If something suddenly happened to my husband, how would I ever put together such a wonderful ceremony in a state of grief? And what if something happens to me suddenly? My husband is really busy. Maybe I should make my own memorial slide show now, at age 55. He’ll never get it done.
While religion and family tradition have dictated last rites for hundreds of years, funerals today are changing dramatically. Baby boomers, in particular, are shifting to more personalized-and less religious-memorial services, often calling them “A Celebration of Life.”
The Internet is helping propel and shape the changes. Some funeral homes will stream a funeral service or create a webcast for those who can’t attend. Online videos offer tutorials to help choose between cremation and burial. Burial plots are now listed on eBay.
“A lot of this is happening so fast that we are grappling to keep up,” says Ronald K. Barrett, who specializes in death and dying as head of the psychology department at Loyola Marymount University in Los Angeles. “It’s having a major impact on how people grieve.”
And on how they plan. A website launched three years ago, MyWonderfulLife.com, helps people design their own funerals. Those who sign up can enter their wishes in an online book and send loved ones a link by email.
The home page of the site-which has almost 10,000 members, according to its owners-says, “You only get one chance to make a last impression.” There are sections on trends in funerals, including “going green in the grave” with a biodegradable coffin, and fall-themed tips on flowers and on pumpkin cocktails for toasts to the deceased.
Starting the Conversation
Logging on may make it easier to have a conversation about death. After Bobbie Jo Ryan’s father, Robert Cox, was placed in hospice care two years ago, she called him and said, “I’m coming up there to plan your funeral with you.” Ms. Ryan, a 33-year-old graphic designer, drove for 20 hours to her father’s home in Linn Grove, Iowa.
After a day of visiting, Ms. Ryan took out her laptop and logged on to the site. Her father told her he wanted a fishing theme. He had been an avid fisherman and hunter until arthritis and a boating accident left him disabled in a wheelchair. He didn’t want a church full of flowers. He wanted donations to a charity that helps disabled children learn how to ice fish. He also requested a cookout by a river with a keg of beer. They calculated the exact cost in advance together.
“He wasn’t a famous person. He wasn’t rich. He always felt like he wasn’t worthy of his family and couldn’t provide for us through work because of his disability,” says Ms. Ryan. “This gave him the ability to leave this earth knowing that he meant something to other people and that he was making a difference.”
Some people become interested in planning a funeral after attending someone else’s. Even the most uninspired funeral can be inspirational. When Kathy Cartwright, a real-estate agent in Palos Verdes Estates, Calif., went to a funeral with her parents, both in their early 80s, the service seemed impersonal. There were doughnuts left over from an earlier church service, and no coffee. “It was really awful,” she says.
On the way home, Ms. Cartwright told her parents, “We need to talk about what you want. What kind of food? What kind of dessert? I need a budget, and I need it now.” They quickly agreed.
Then there are those who start planning early simply because they enjoy it. Kimba Hills says her mother, Sylvia Hills, who lived in Jackson, Tenn., started planning her own funeral 40 years ago when she was in perfect health. “My wedding and her funeral were the two most important events in her life,” Ms. Hills says. The elder Ms. Hills loved the idea of departing in a hot-air balloon but finally rejected that plan as “treacherous.”
When Ms. Hills became terminally ill from breast cancer, she began to plan with great detail. She chose a casket and pallbearers, the scripture readings and the hymns. She wanted a soloist, because, she explained, the congregation “is always off-key.” She selected white silk pajamas to wear in the closed casket. Her daughter, the owner of Rumba, a furniture store in Santa Monica, Calif., wrote her mother’s eulogy and read it at her bedside. Her mother gave critiques: “I liked it better when you read it the first time,” she said in her Southern drawl. “You put more emphasis on ‘when you go h-o-o-o-m-e.’ “
The service went beautifully. Ms. Hills says she thinks the funeral planning helped take her mother’s mind off her own death. “Being proactive takes the anxiety out of it,” she says.
A Laugh and a Shrug
All this led me to call my 81-year-old father, James Hughes, to at least broach the issue of funeral planning. He has had a stroke but is otherwise healthy. So I was surprised to find he has been hard at work on his own obituary. My stepmother asked him to begin writing it, saying she will be too distraught when he passes away. He is now trying to shorten it after discovering that newspapers charge by the line.
“In my zeal to be honored with glorious words, I chose too many glorious words,” he says with a laugh. “It’s not something I was enthusiastic about doing. But you don’t want it to suddenly fall to everyone else.”
Indeed. I logged on to MyWonderfulLife.com and tried to plan my own funeral. But the job is…daunting. I picked cremation, but I’m having a hard time deciding where to be scattered. The ocean seems cold.
When I asked my husband, he said he hasn’t decided whether to be buried or cremated. “It doesn’t seem imminent,” he explained, shrugging.
I have warned him that if he doesn’t decide soon, I’ll cremate him.
Debra Greene, Ph.D., recently sent me this letter about her mother’s death. Her mom had done her funeral planning arrangements, and still, the news is such a shock. Debra, an Energy Health Specialist practicing Mind-Body Medicine, has some good insights on processing grief.
Debra said I could share her story on the blog. She is a big fan of A Good Goodbye: Funeral Planning for Those Who Don’t Plan to Die.
Let’s Talk About Death and the Interlife
There is so much stigma, fear, and misunderstanding about death in our culture. My intention in sharing this story is to inspire deeper conversations and honor our endless energy essence. I consulted with several people before sending this email. Most said, “Go for it!” Several said, “Proceed with caution.”
When the call came it was a lovely Maui afternoon. I was sitting at my desk working on an article. The voice said, “I’m sorry to inform you but your mother has passed away.” It was the retirement community in Dallas where my mom had been living for the past four years. She passed peacefully while napping in her favorite chair. My mom was 88 years old so this was not completely unexpected, but it was still a shock to my system. Then came the question, “What do you want us to do with the body?”
I was still struggling to absorb the news and couldn’t quite register the question. “What do you normally do with a body?” I heard myself ask. “You contact the funeral home and inform them. They send someone out to collect the body. Which funeral home was your mother working with?” I had no idea. The person on the other end became quite insistent that this be dealt with right away. Then I heard myself say, “What do you suppose is going to happen? She’s already dead!”
On a practical note, if you or your parents are aging it’s a good idea to put affairs in order. Although many people don’t like talking about death, it’s a necessary part of life and planning ahead can really help those left behind.
Luckily my mom was very organized and thorough. She had preplanned and prepaid her funeral arrangements. I just needed to find the documents she had sent me all those years ago. Once I located them, everything became easier. I could stop task-mode and focus on my feelings.
After the initial shock wore off (lasted for several hours) the grief came rolling in like waves. This consisted of uncontrollable sobbing on various occasions over the course of a few days. And then the process felt compete. There doesn’t seem to be unprocessed grief lurking around, but I am open to that if there is.
It helped that my mom had appeared in a dream about a week before she passed and the dream made it clear she was about to leave the physical plane. I didn’t remember this when the phone call came, but on some level I had been forewarned.
Also, I knew my mom had been dis-incarnating over the past several years. Unless someone dies in an accident, this is usually how it goes. It is a process that is marked by discernible stages. So I had been preparing for it.
I had also been preparing my mom for it by assuring her that we don’t die, and that there is nothing to be afraid of. Since Mom had a Catholic upbringing I also assured her there is no such thing as hell. I knew this was a fear she harbored, so I firmly stated, “It has been scientifically proven that there is no hell.” Given everything I’d studied about death, the dying process, and near-death experiences, I could say this with sincere conviction.
Since she made the transition in early February, Mom has “visited” me twice and we have “talked.” I must follow this by saying I do not typically communicate with the dead. Some people do, but I am not one of them.
This was an unusual experience. Although I did not see her, I knew it was her because I could not control her information input in my mind. (This is not to be confused with “old tapes” running. I knew it was her because years of meditation and self-work brought me to a place where I could clear my mind at will, controlling my thoughts. But I could not control these.) I also recognized the energetic signature of her presence. (Having studied my inner landscape thoroughly, I could recognize the contents of my own subtle energy system and discern the energetic presence of another.)
During her “visit,” she told me she was doing well. I asked how she spends her time. She said most of her time is spent “floating.” I suspect that has changed by now but this is the stage she was at in February, about two weeks after passing.
I told her it’s okay to visit me as long as it doesn’t interfere with her next step. We can hold people back and keep them earth-bound if we become too attached to them and try to keep them around. So far I have not heard more from her. Overall, I still feel very connected. I think of her from time to time and the thoughts are pleasant. I send her healing light, the Golden Light of Grace, and trust she is enjoying the great adventure.
Yours in the One Life,
Debra
(If you are having issues with the grief process, an Inner Clarity phone session with Debra can really help. Check it out!)
The Federal Trade Commission has The Funeral Rule to help protect consumers when they shop for funeral goods and services. The FTC conducts undercover inspections of funeral homes to check up on compliance with the rules. In 2011, 23 of 102 funeral homes were out of compliance.
I’m disappointed. So many of the funeral directors I know are honest, caring, and do the right thing. While 77% may be following the rules, 23% is far too many falling short. Here’s the news release about the story from the FTC.
FTC Conducts Undercover Inspections of Funeral Homes in Nine States to Press Funeral Homes to Comply with Consumer Protection Law
FTC’s Funeral Rule Requires Funeral Homes to Provide Price Lists to Consumers
Investigators working undercover in nine states detected significant violations of Federal Trade Commission consumer protection requirements in 23 of 102 funeral homes they visited during 2011.
The FTC conducts undercover inspections every year to make sure that funeral homes are complying with the agency’s Funeral Rule. The Rule, issued in 1984, gives consumers important rights when making funeral arrangements. Key provisions of the Rule require funeral homes to provide consumers with an itemized price list at the start of an in-person discussion of funeral arrangements, as well as a casket price list before consumers view any caskets. The Rule also prohibits funeral homes from requiring consumers to buy any item, such as a casket, as a condition of obtaining any other funeral good or service. By requiring itemized prices, the Funeral Rule enables consumers to compare prices and buy only the goods and services they want.
Funeral homes with significant violations can enter a training program designed to increase compliance with the Funeral Rule. The three-year program is known as the Funeral Rule Offenders Program (FROP), and is an alternative to an FTC lawsuit that could lead to a federal court order and civil penalties of up to $16,000 per violation. It is run by the National Funeral Directors Association and provides participants with a legal review of the price disclosures required by the Funeral Rule, and on-going training, testing and monitoring for compliance with the Rule. In addition, funeral homes that participate in the program make a voluntary payment to the U.S. Treasury in place of a civil penalty, and pay annual administrative fees to the Association.
FTC inspections during 2011 encountered varying levels of compliance:
- In Northwest Indiana, one of 12 funeral homes inspected had significant violations;
- In Maui, Hawaii, none of the four funeral homes inspected had significant violations;
- In the New York City area, as well as parts of Connecticut and New Jersey, one of 22 funeral homes inspected had significant violations;
- In Cleveland, Ohio, four of 16 funeral homes inspected had significant violations;
- In Columbia, South Carolina, five significant violations were found in 10 funeral homes inspected;
- In Austin, Texas, four of 19 funeral homes inspected had significant violations; and
- In Richmond and Fredericksburg, Virginia, eight of 19 funeral homes inspected had significant violations.
In addition, the FTC identified 33 funeral homes, within the nine states, with only minor compliance deficiencies. In such cases, the FTC contacts the funeral home and requires it to provide evidence that it has corrected the problems.
Since the FROP program began in 1996, the FTC has inspected more than 2,500 funeral homes and found fewer than 400 engaged in significant Rule violations. In conducting its annual enforcement sweeps, the agency has received assistance from several state attorneys general. This year, the FTC wishes to thank Ohio Attorney General Mike DeWine for the valuable assistance provided by his office.
The FTC educates consumers in English and Spanish about their rights under the Funeral Rule, and provides guidance to businesses in how to comply. For more information read Paying Final Respects: Your Rights When Buying Funeral Goods & Services, Funerals: A Consumer Guide, and Complying with the Funeral Rule.
The Federal Trade Commission works for consumers to prevent fraudulent, deceptive, and unfair business practices and to provide information to help spot, stop, and avoid them. To file a complaint in English or Spanish, visit the FTC’s online Complaint Assistant or call 1-877-FTC-HELP (1-877-382-4357). The FTC enters complaints into Consumer Sentinel, a secure, online database available to more than 2,000 civil and criminal law enforcement agencies in the U.S. and abroad. The FTC’s website provides free information on a variety of consumer topics.
